You may produce the following one act play free of any royalty payment. I only ask that you notify me 30 days before opening night. Thanks again...TMc

A Small Fortune

a short play by

Timothy McAndrews

Characters:

Gretchen, middle aged downtrodden wife of Herbert

Herbert, middle aged downtrodden husband of Gretchen

Scene: The kitchen-dining room-living room of Gretchen’s and Herbert’s downtrodden home. At curtain it is an empty room. Pause. Gretchen enters. She is overloaded with groceries and her purse. Her clothes are shabby and ill fitting. She wears old beat up tennis shoes. She wears socks with stretched out elastic tops. She rushes around the apartment putting things were they go, hanging up her coat, getting dinner started. Herbert enters. He carries a briefcase and a lunch pail. . Gretchen looks at him but says nothing. Herbert looks at her and says nothing. Perhaps they nod by way of a greeting. Herbert puts his lunch pail on the table. He takes off his coat. He is not wearing a suit jacket. He wears a ratty old button down sweater. At least one of the elbows is patched. He wears a tie. Herbert puts his coat and hat and briefcase offstage in the bedroom and returns. . With his back to Gretchen, he looks at something he is keeping in his shirt pocket. He makes sure that Gretchen isn’t looking and looks at his prize again. It is an envelope. Gretchen lays bowls and spoons on the table.

Gretchen

Five minutes

Herbert

What’s for dinner, Gretchen?

Gretchen

What?

Herbert

I said, w-

Gretchen

I heard what you said. Soup is for dinner...with day-old bread. Just like last night and the night before. What do you mean “What’s for dinner”?

Herbert

You know, Gretchen, I’m a little tired of soup and bread for dinner every night.

Gretchen

You are, are you?

Herbert

Yes, you know, a man likes a little diversity from time to time...at least in his meals.

Gretchen

He does, does he?

Herbert

Yes, he does. He might even like to eat in a restaurant from time to time.

Gretchen

He might, might he? Has that cheapskate given you a raise?

Herbert

Not a chance.

Gretchen

Well, Herbert, then soup it is. Wash up. I won’t have a man with dirty hands sitting at my table.

Herbert

No, I don’t think I will, Gretchen. I think I’ll wait and wash my hands in the restaurant in case they get dirty ...in the taxicab... on the way to the restaurant.

Gretchen

Well, if it isn’t Donald Trump himself  riding in taxicabs and eating in restaurants. Have you been hit in the head, Herbert? Have you forgotten how little money you make? Have you forgotten what a poor provider you are? Have you forgotten that your weary wife has to work all day cleaning up after other people just so we can make ends meet?

Herbert

How could I forget, Gretchen? When I have you to remind me...day after day after day after-

Gretchen

Wash up, Herbert. Supper will get cold.

Herbert

No, I don’t think I will. I think I’m in the mood for steak, or maybe lobster. I might even take my wife with me...if she can keep her mouth shut except when she’s stuffing food into it.

Gretchen

(pause) What have you done, Herbert? (pause)You don’t have the nerve to rob a bank. (pause)You don’t own anything worth selling. (pause)You don’t have any rich relations.

Herbert

(Herbert takes the envelope out of his pocket and, with a flourish, drops it on the table. Gretchen picks it up and looks inside. Currency, lots of it, can be seen. Gretchen’s mouth opens in amazement but she cannot speak. Slowly she sinks into her chair. She rubs, touches, smells the money.) I’ve never seen you speechless before, Gretchen. You know, you’re almost attractive when you’re silent. Well, maybe not attractive, but tolerable anyway.

Gretchen

What have you done, Herbert?

Herbert

A man looks good with an air of mystery about him. Don’t you think so, Gretchen.

Gretchen

What have you done? Where did you get this?

Herbert

It was a gift.

Gretchen

No one would give you a gift, Herbert. No one likes you.

Herbert

Not even you, my love?

Gretchen

Not even me, and I’m not your love. I’m your wife.

Herbert

Well, I’m going out to dinner. Come or don’t, I don’t care.

Gretchen

But I made dinner. What am I supposed to do with this?

Herbert

I don’t care. Flush it down the toilet or give it to the slobs next door. They can feed it to that mutt of theirs.

Gretchen

You know I don’t speak to people like them. Herbert, sit down. You must tell me where this money came from.

Herbert

Actually, Gretchen, (Herbert sits down and takes the envelope and puts it back in his pocket) I don’t have to tell you anything.

Gretchen

No?

Herbert

No. It’s mine. I’m willing to spend some of it on you but I don’t have to account to you. Or anyone else, for that matter. Where the money came from is nobody’s business but mine. Get it? End of story. New story...what to do with it.

Gretchen

If someone lost it, then they must be looking for it. If you stole it, the police will be looking for it, too. You certainly didn’t earn it and certainly no one gave it to you. I have to protect myself, Herbert, if you don’t tell me where you got this money, I’m going to call the police.

Herbert

Why would you do that? Aside from the fact that you’re the kind of person who ruins everything, why would you do that?

Gretchen

There might be a reward.

Herbert

I see.

Gretchen

I could claim the reward. You might go to jail. I could keep the reward for myself. Yes, steak, or maybe lobster.

Herbert

An accomplice can’t claim a reward. Even you should know that.

Gretchen

I am not an accomplice.

Herbert

That’s true. You’re not. I’m the accomplice. The whole thing was your idea. I just went along with it because....because...because you threatened to withhold sexual favors if I didn’t!

Gretchen

I’ve been withholding sex for years, Herbert.

Herbert

Thank God for that, but the police don’t know that, do they? (Herbert gets up and brings the phone to Gretchen) Go ahead, Gretchen. Call the police. Do something incredibly stupid. Call your mother, too. That way the entire world can find out that you could have had something special out of your stinking life but you were too stupid to listen to your husband, as usual!

Gretchen

(pause)  You don’t have to talk so mean to me, Herbert. I do the best I can. It’s not easy for me. I work with those people everyday and then I come home here and they live next door and all around us. They  have a new car. Did you see that?

Herbert

I saw. It’s a Japanese car. They don’t even have the decency to buy an American car. They come here and they take our jobs away and they move into our neighborhoods and they buy a Japanese car!

Gretchen

At least it’s made in America. Are you sure we won’t get into trouble if we keep the money?

Herbert

We’ll be careful. We won’t buy anything flashy. No ocean cruises.

Gretchen

I could quit my job.

Herbert

A meal in a restaurant now and then.

Gretchen

We could have my mother down to visit once in awhile.

Herbert

A show occasionally. Dancing girls

Gretchen

Of course, we’d need  a bigger apartment if Mother were to visit. Or maybe we could buy our own house.

Herbert

What?

Gretchen

A small house, but in a good neighborhood with our own kind.

Herbert

Your mother? Do you think I’m going to buy a house so your mother can visit? Why do you think we moved so far away in the first place?

Gretchen

Surely, you don’t expect me to continue living in this place if we can afford to live somewhere else.

Herbert

I told you, no sudden expenditures.

Gretchen

But I haven’t had a new dress in years. And I hate this apartment. I always have. I only stayed here because you couldn’t afford anything better.

Herbert

I’m not blowing all this money on houses and clothes and visits from your mother. I deserve to get a little fun out of life. God knows, living with you is no fun. I want some action, some adventure. I’m not wasting my money on dressing you up.

Gretchen

Your money! Your money! Did you say your money. I’m calling the police! There might be a reward.

Herbert

You’ll go to jail.

Gretchen

I don’t care as long as you do, too! (She picks up the phone and Herbert pulls it away from her and almost strikes her with it.)  Go ahead. Hit me. Kill me. I don’t care. Put me out of my stinking misery and go spend the rest of your life in jail.

Herbert

OK, our money.

Gretchen

That’s better. Our money. I like the sound of that. How much is there?

Herbert

I don’t know. I haven’t counted it.

Gretchen

Well, that would be a good start, wouldn’t it?

Herbert (sitting down)

I guess so.

Gretchen

(sitting down and taking bills out of the envelope)

My goodness. There all hundred dollar bills.

(She counts. He counts. They are silent for a minute)

You know Herbert, we could make a fresh start somewhere. Somewhere we have never been before. A place that has never disappointed us.  No reminders of failures. What if we had a chance to get to know each other again like we did when we first met. Maybe we could learn to like each other. Maybe we could even...

Herbert

Don’t be stupid, Gretchen. We never liked each other. We just didn’t take the time to get to know each other. You wanted to get away from your mother and I didn’t want to get drafted and I figured getting married was easier than chopping off a couple of toes. This money is a chance for us to get something out of life. And I don’t mean each other, either.

Gretchen

You’re going to leave me, Herbert?

Herbert

Why? It’s going to break your heart? You hate my guts, Gretchen. You’re damn right I’m going to leave you.

Gretchen

I will not be a left woman.

Herbert

Why not? You’ll have plenty of money. Buy yourself a little toyboy.

Gretchen

I will not be left. Mother would never let me live it down.

Herbert

Mother? That old witch has nothing to do with it.

Gretchen

No. I will not be some poor abandoned middle aged ex-wife. No. There must be another way.

Herbert

Not a chance. In fact, I’m going to split the money even-steven with you and then I’m leaving... tonight. You’ll never hear from me again.

Gretchen

I will not be shamed like that, Herbert. I live in a slum and I am married to a loser but I am a respectable married woman, and I will not be shamed.. Certainly not by you. There must be some kind of...arrangement we can come to. What if you were free to come and go as you please.

Herbert

I am free to come and go as I please. I just couldn’t afford to go anywhere before this. You think I could bring some sweet young thing home if you were here?

Gretchen

You’re going to see other women?

Herbert

Talk about stupid questions.

Gretchen

I see.

Herbert

Good. Because I don’t feel like explaining it to you. There, that’s half. (He stands up and puts his share of the money in his pockets. It takes awhile) Don’t ever try to contact me. Forget I ever existed because I’m going to forget all about you the minute I hit the street. I getting my coat and that’s it. I’m gone to a new world. A world without you in it. (He exits to back room. Gretchen sits for a moment and then gets up as if in a trance and goes to the kitchen counter, She picks up a knife and stands with her back against the wall next to the door way Herbert exited through. Herbert re-enters.)

Gretchen

Darling? (Herbert, stunned, turns around completely blocking Gretchen)

Herbert

No!

(Gretchen turns Herbert around so that he is against the wall. She walks away from Herbert. The knife is still stuck in him.)

Gretchen

Excuse me, Darling. I’m going to see how much of a reward there is. (Herbert pulls the knife out of him and staggers up behind Gretchen) Hello, Police? My name is– (By the look on her face we know that Herbert has just stabbed her. She drops the phone. Slowly she sinks to the floor. Herbert also sinks to the floor)

Voice on the phone

What is the nature of your emergency? Hello? Hello? Is anybody there?

Curtain

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